I Was A Happy Man......

It's been quite a while since i ever wrote on anything ..in fact its been so long since i wrote anything except for the posts on my walls in FB. So, many things happened these past few months and whether i like it or not i had to go through it and really have to face it. I have been through a few phases in the past months. You couldn't imagine what i had to go through but i guess there are even worst cases compared to me but what the heck..Here goes...Let me start with the things i can still remember....cause after all that has happened to me seems like i have lost some memories or incidents of my past..sort of like temporary amnesia or could it be that my subconscious mind automatically blocked all these bad memories ..only God knows..still baffles me as to why i still can't recall some things that happened..

I was a very happy man before this even though i had my ups and downs. Happy cause i had a life..happy cause i thought that i had a life actually but i did have a good life..Not too grand..not too small but a normal happy life. I had a wife whom i thought was the perfect woman for me for the rest of my life, i had three beautiful kids whom i call my angels and my butterflies, i had a decent home, i had decent cars, i had a salaried job which put food on the table even though at that time i was always trying to make ends meet, I've got some friends even though not too close but still friends but i was a happy,happy man. Happy when theres a wife at home waiting for me, happy where there was my three little angels running up to me with their giggles and laughter and i was a truly happy man.I felt like my life was fulfilled with everything that i ever wanted.

All those changed ..like i like to say it..in the blink of an eye..not that it happened that fast but as far as i can recall, it was as fast as that..the blink of an eye..or before you can finish the sentence..What the....!..and poof!!..everything was gone!Disappeared!Kapoof!..just like Houdini or Copperfield did their vanishing act..just like that!.I'm not blaming anyone now for what's happened to me but i guess i just need to put it up somewhere...sometimes i felt that i need to just bury the hatchet, forgive and forget but i know by writing this down for the whole world..or the whole cyber world to read i have already buried the hatchet and also i know that i have come to terms with my feelings and whatever happened to me.I am not looking for answers.I am not looking for opinions and I am certainly not looking for sympathy or empathy or whatever pathy there is but i just felt like writing....cause i have past that phase...

i used to blame others or whatever is around me or my surroundings but after a while i soon realized that all of these could be due to my own mistakes. I realized that i got too comfortable with everything and i fail to realize that to put too much trust on anyone is a fatal mistake or ...hmm i could be wrong with this but like a friend of mine said shit happens!!

Well, from a very happy man i became worse in stages..or you could say..deteriorating in few phases. From a very happy man i started to be the saddest person on earth,full of frustration & dissatisfaction, full of hatred and anger (..i guess some of you noticed this on my FB wall postings before..:)..silly of me when i thought of it now but thanks to a special FB friend that always keeps an eye on me during this time..thanks sheila and another person whom shall not be named..hehe!)

Full of vengeance and always thinking of ways to get even and always telling myself that all these should not have happened cause i was a very good husband, a very good man and i never did anything to jeopardize my marriage..every single moments were filled with Why?..with What?..with How?..with every little questions that was always in my mind...i was always looking for answers..always looking for reasons..always looking for proof..always looking....BUT i fail to see that it was already the end of my marriage..my family and i know that i won't have all those things anymore..never again with the same person or the same life i used to have!

Now i began to see that there are more to life than what i have lost. My kids will always be my flesh and blood no matter where they are.no matter who they are with and no matter what they will become.Always..they will be my angels and my children..So, i have realized that by accepting what happened and just be glad that i still have them even though physically they are not with me is good enough and this could be the key to my happiness even when i am all alone.

So now..i have an ex wife whom are always giving excuses or whatever story she can concoct every time i want to be with my kids but i am alright with that. Don't get me wrong.Even if she is no longer my wife,she is still a good mother where our kids are her utmost priority or it could possibly because of her surroundings and environment that made her be like what she is now or most probably she is afraid that i might take away our kids and she will then be left alone..hmm..possibly that is the reason why she is being super possessive when it comes to the kids but hey..i m their father too!..Yes..i admit. I am not an angel or a good provider to my kids now and i am not trying to defend myself or tell the whole world that i m a super father..no..i m still trying to make ends meet..especially when i have to start all over again from scratch but i try to fulfill whatever needs that my kids have.

So, from a person whom thought that had everything to a person who does not have anything now.No wife,no children.no nothing but i m glad and always thankful(..now that i have already come to my senses..eventhough too terribly kurus now!) that i still have my life, my ability to work, my ability to use my brains and my skills, my ability to be happy even though i am alone..but now i accept it as...that's life bro!..either you make it or you break it but if you broke it the first time try again and if you broke it again you keep on trying harder..so, here i am now..again trying even harder..but now with a different focus on life..for myself and especially for my kids...only time will tell and i know all these hard work and effort i put in now will eventually pay me soon.

Yet again i can only plan and struggle and try my very best but in the end it's always His prerogative...to me the two most important thing i hold on to or you could call it my utmost principles are,You must be clear of your conscience with the right intentions or 'nawaitu' and i must always believe that how hard i try,how hard i chose to struggle in the end its always His decision to make it mine or not...like i always say..no matter how hard you work for it if it's not yours it will never be yours but you must keep on trying..keep on working for it cause He is the Most Merciful..!

So that is how i look at things right now. I use to tell myself that i will never be involve with any woman again.'Never' i said.Well, thats a lie. Out of anger and frustration i said all those or was it becasue i was hoping that my ex will be back with me again..hmm...Silly me again! I never thought that i would fall again for any woman but i actually did... even though i might never be with her (..for whatever reasons i don't know!..:))and this changed my whole perspective again. It started to give me hope..not on hope to be married again and have a woamn next to me every night (..eventhough that would be awesome!..lol) but hope on the other finer things in life. Hope that tells me that this is not the end of the world for me and i still can make it once again. The kind of hope that boosts my confidence, my dignity, my self respect.I might not be with her in the future or i might or i might be with someone else or maybe not but i have to accept this as part of life and i m happy with the arrangements now...so, it may work or it may not work but like i always told her ..we make the best of the current situation and enjoy every happy moments we could have together and we just leave everything else to Him...so be it!(..and it actually didn't work for whatever reasons too..hahahaha!..well..you win some ,you lose some..!!:)..December 13th,09)

I admit i have said bad things, harsh words to the person i used to love during these trying moments. I realized that i should not have done all those things, said all those words but i did those out of anger, frustrations, disappointments and many more reasons that i could think of but like i said..i was looking for reasons or looking for a reason to justify my actions or my words. I AM TRULY SORRY & i apologize for every single thing i said and for the time where you wasted your life with me...I m truly sorry!I m doing this publicly and i hope you are reading this...and i DO hope you are happy with your choices and your life..sincerely!

So, that was basically what i have to say or actually things that i could remember or felt like writing now. This could have a continuation or it may not but i am quite happy with my life now. I know my kids loves me and always thought of me all the time and vice versa.I know that i will always love my angels...and i know that somewhere there is a person that cares or at least shows that she cares and loves me..and i am a happy..quite a happy man again. So, the focus now is to try and make it right this time. make tons of money, make the greatest life i could ever have..and who knows..i might be with the one that truly adores me as who i am and who is willing to sacrifice and live the rest of her life for me..:)..apologize for all these mushy things..well..i AM a Libra!!...cheerios!

yours truly

LordMusan @ roslanshapri

It's Time To Make It Happen!!.............